Christmas & Supporting those Trying to Conceive

Supporting a loved one dealing with infertility over the holidays can be both meaningful and delicate. Here’s how you can offer understanding, respect, and compassion during this emotionally challenging time.

1. Acknowledge Their Experience Without Pressuring

• Express Empathy: Acknowledge that the holidays can be tough for them. A simple “I know this season can bring up a lot for you, and I’m here for you if you ever want to talk or need support” shows you understand their unique challenges.
• Avoid Pushing for Information: Even if you’re genuinely interested in their journey, refrain from asking direct questions about treatments or plans, as these can feel intrusive or overwhelming.

2. Be Mindful of Language and Avoid Triggers

• Avoid Common “Fixes”: Steer clear of saying things like “Just relax, it will happen.” While well-meaning, these comments can unintentionally diminish the pain of their experience. Instead, offer a compassionate listening ear without trying to solve their situation.
• Think Carefully Before Asking About Children: During family gatherings, avoid asking if they plan to have children, as this can trigger deep emotions. Respect their boundaries and let them open up on their own terms if they choose to share.

3. Include Them in Holiday Plans, But Give an Out

• Offer Invitations Without Pressure: Extend invitations to holiday gatherings with a clear message that it’s perfectly okay if they don’t feel up to attending. This approach shows that they’re valued but gives them permission to prioritise their emotional needs.
• Check In Quietly: You might consider a private text or message before or after events, letting them know they’re welcome and that you understand if they need space. This small act of care can make a big difference.

4. Be Sensitive to Family-Focused Conversations

• Balance Family-Centric Talk: At gatherings, be mindful if conversations drift toward topics of children, pregnancies, or parenting. Consider redirecting to other subjects or introducing new activities that everyone can enjoy, creating a more inclusive environment.
• Limit Baby Announcements: If you’re close with someone going through infertility and expecting a child yourself, try to share news in a private, gentle way before any large gathering. This allows them time to process the news in their own way, which can feel much kinder than an unexpected public announcement.

5. Listen More Than You Talk

• Give Space for Them to Share: Sometimes, just being a safe person to talk to can be the best gift. If they choose to talk about their fertility journey, listen actively, and avoid judgment. Avoid offering unsolicited advice or stories, even if they come from a place of support.
• Ask How You Can Best Support Them: If you’re unsure how to help, ask directly but gently. A simple “Is there anything I can do to support you through this?” can open up a chance for them to express what they really need.

6. Consider Small Gestures of Care

• Offer a Thoughtful Gift: If you’re exchanging gifts, consider something that nurtures self-care and relaxation. This can show your support without focusing directly on their fertility journey.
• Plan Non-Family-Centric Activities: Invite them to activities that aren’t family-focused, like a coffee date, a movie, or a walk. These small breaks can give them a chance to step away from any holiday pressures.

7. Respect Their Boundaries with Social Media

• Be Mindful of Posts: The holiday season can bring an influx of family- and child-cantered posts on social media. Consider limiting these if you know a loved one might find them painful, or make sure any big family news is shared with them privately first.
• Engage with Compassion: If they post something about their journey, offer supportive comments that validate their feelings without suggesting quick fixes or platitudes.

8. Help Create a Comfortable Atmosphere

• Create Distractions at Gatherings: When possible, plan fun activities that don’t revolve around family milestones, like games, cooking together, or watching movies. This can ease the focus away from children and family structure, making the gathering more comfortable for everyone.
• Limit Pressure to Participate: Understand if they seem quieter or withdrawn. Fertility struggles can take an emotional toll, and they may need to conserve their energy for their own well-being.

9. Be Patient and Flexible 

• Accept Changes to Plans: Understand that they might cancel last minute or leave a gathering early if emotions become overwhelming. Offer flexibility and avoid making them feel guilty or pressured for prioritising their needs.
• Check In After the Holidays: The post-holiday period can also bring emotional lows. Checking in and offering support beyond the holiday season can provide ongoing comfort and reassurance that they’re not alone.

In Summary:

Offering gentle, respectful support to someone dealing with infertility can make a meaningful difference during the holiday season. By being sensitive to their feelings, respecting their boundaries, and creating inclusive spaces, you can help them feel valued and understood. Sometimes, your quiet presence and kindness are the greatest gifts you can offer.

For more information and support, Fertility Network, a registered charity, has more information, here.